Fuuuuuuuck I just died. 😍😳
what i should have said.
"fuck you asshole" Is definitely what I should have said. Followed by leaving his sorry soul in my dust forever. What I did say was, "it’s ok, I’d rather you break my heart than me break yours." What the actual fuck! I can’t believe I just said that!
The reality, I felt lost. I’m in another country, all by myself with no idea what I’m gonna do or where I’m gonna go. I traveled half way across the world to meet him. Only to hear “a girl from my past just happened to come back into my life”. I could see him texting her all day. He’d moved on from the idea of me but apparently still wanted to be close friends. Shit man, it’s not fucking high school. He probably just felt guilty that he lead me on. I could tell everything he said to me was total bullshit, or at least part bullshit. which is probably worse.
Why I didn’t say how I felt, I have no clue. I didn’t want to come across as that fucking crazy girl who loses it and becomes a mental nutcase, and I had no where else to go, unless I wanted to join the homeless. It’s funny in hindsight though I was always waiting for something to go wrong, something always goes wrong. Haha “too good to be true” right?
So he bailed on me and got his second chance with that girl from his past.
And I ended up having the best 2 month trip of my life.
That girl, only months later broke his heart. “Ha, suck it cunt” is what I should have said. But again the thought remained only that, a thought.
Instead, of course, I gave him sympathy.
It was the random texts, “miss you” or “how r u?” that did it. Fuck. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone. He made his choice, the OTHER girl. I could have ignored him but 1. He’s still a human being. A shit one, but still, that doesn’t deserve childish emotional games. 2. I have more maturity than that. And 3. To be honest, I still thought about him every day
(and hated myself for it)
At the end of the day, I probably wouldn’t have made that trip to America if it wasn’t for him. After everything we went through, he never met the real me. He met the freaked out, nervous girl that the situation had caused me to become. Awkward. Like I was back in fucking high school again. It took a hell of a lot of self control to bite my tongue when all I wanted to do was scream how fucking angry I was.
So after enduring the hellish 20 or so hour trip to get there, for someone who couldn’t care less about me, I wasn’t gonna let him break me. I forced myself to be every example of calm, carefree and confident I could possibly manage. For that one moment, the first time we met.
Me, Waiting at the airport, shivering, because it was so fucking freezing and naturally, I was nervous. He rocked up wearing that bright blue windbreaker, driving his old, beasty, two-toned Bronco, with the hip-hop pumping. That moment was everything I’d imagined it would be…
That moment you know it’s time to let go. When you’re tired and burnt out from chasing ideas that will never be more than just that. An idea. You wait for an answer, a yes or a no. Even no, would be better than nothing at all. Bittersweet, to no end. At the end of the day when it keeps you up at night, it’s time to go your own way.